Childhood Sports Movies Power-Rankings

At lunch today, a few co-workers were discussing some of the more prominent miracle-plays to happen in our favorite childhood sports movies, and that inspired me to create a top-ten power-ranking. These rankings are solely based on how awesome I think something is in comparison to something else that is not-so-awesome.


10. The Underhand Toss
Film: Rookie of the Year
Synopsis: Our teenage hero, who gained Big League pitching strength after breaking his arm and having it heal super-strong, loses his ability in the big game. He only needs one more strike, and since he can't pitch for crap without his magic muscle arm, he does the underhand toss as a tribute to his mom's softball days and K's the big bad mighty Casey on the opposing team. Lame.

9. Miss Jonathan Brandis
Film: Lady Bugs
Synopsis: A girls' soccer team really sucks, so the coach puts in his girlfriend's soccer-star son - dressed in drag. He/she whups-up on everyone and gives the team some confidence, so they can eventually win on their own. Also, still in drag, Brandis sneaks into a girls' slumber party/skinny dipping event - this deserves an honorable mention.

8. Michael Jordan does Stretch Armstrong
Film: Space Jam
Synopsis: While playing golf with Bill Murray, Michael Jordan gets sucked into a cup on a green and is transported into Looney Toon land. He is forced to play against martian cartoons, who have hijacked NBA players' abilities. On the last play he stretches his arm like 50 feet to almost dunk/weak layup for the win.

7. The Crane
Film: the Karate Kid
Synopsis: Some kid gets beat up a lot at school, so his karate teacher tells him to stand like a bird and then kick at people, and it actually works.

6. "Get In Your Home"
Film: Happy Gilmore
Synopsis: Adam Sandler tries to get his golf ball in the cup via forceful verbal confrontation; it does not work. So, he gets a hockey stick putter and that works pretty well.

5. Jamaican Bobsled Team
Film: Cool Runnings
Synopsis: Jamaicans are pretty good at push-cart races and running, so a handful of mediocre athletes decide to run and push a sled on ice ... in Canada ... in the Olympics.

4. The Knuckle Puck
Film: D2: The Mighty Ducks
Synopsis: Some kid from the hood figures out how to defy gravity with a hockey-puck, making it impossible to stop. This kid-actor now does bit parts on SNL and gets paid in goodburgers.

3. Science vs. Nature - led by Squints
Film: Sandlot
Synopsis: A beast is holding a Bell hostage ...er, sorry wrong movie ...is holding a ball hostage that was signed by Babe Ruth. The schmuck kid that took it from his step dad's trophy case and actually played with it ("...and actually played with it"?) is lucky that he has faithful and smart friends that help him get it back. Benjamin "squints" Palladorus, plays lookout as the crew works a colossal erector set machine, complete with catapult. They try to launch the ball out of the beast's yard. But, the beast apparently has massive hops, and can jump out of the atmosphere, so he stops it ... and the Sandlot team loses.

2. The Flying-V
Film: Mighty Ducks 1 and 2
Synopsis: Emilio Esvatez is from Minnesota, so he likes geese, so he comes up with the "Flying V," otherwise known as the wedge. This juggernaut formation is nearly unstoppable, that is, until the team meets Iceland in D2.

1. The Annexation of Puerto Rico
Film: Little Giants
Synopsis: Rick Moranus is coaching against his brother's team, the Cowboys. His own team is pretty bad, so they rely on quick thinking and Divine intervention. To win the game, the kid that is smarter than John Madden (not a big accomplishment), computes some facts and figures on his Apple Green-screen, and "poof" the Annexation of Puerto Rico is born. The QB hikes the ball and sets it down behind the Center, who picks it up and holds on to it while everyone runs around trying to figure out where the ball is. Once the coast is clear, the 250 pound 8 year old starts his 90 yard trot to the endzone. He gets hammered, but the ball pops loose and gets lateraled a few times and then the kid who never gets to see his dad, sees his dad in the endzone, and of course, he gets the ball and now has the motivation to run into the endzone, so he does. Game, set, match - Little Giants for the win.

Alternative Calendar

A few months ago I went into a Hallmark store and asked for a 2008 wall calendar. They basically had two: Football ... or ... Kittens. I like most men my own age chose kittens without even blinking an eye. However, as the kittens "hung around" (i slay me) more and more, their disturbing pro-fuzz constitutions began to haunt me. They would meow things like, "Vengence for all lolcats! Give us justice! Down with icanhascheezburger.com! No taxation without repurresentation!"

I was at a loss. What to do when your kitten calendar makes you fear entering your own room? Give in? Forsake all lolcats? Make like a kitten and be weak and annoying? No you've got to show 'em who's top dog. You fight back. You take matters into your own hands.

You do this:



Now the only thing I hear the calendar kittens say is, "Ich liebe Deutschland!"

Just cuz I need a new post

I don't really have anything to type that is of any importance at all, so I'll just be random.

Today I was in a meeting where I doodled cows being sucked up by spaceships rather than pay attention to the conference call. I felt bad at first, but I already had a grasp for what was being discussed, so I drew Sci-Fi scenes.

I'm pretty sure that out of all animals on the planet, aliens steal cows the most.. And here are my reasons why:

1.) It's probably hard to find milk in space. They for sure have some sort of cosmic, chemical substitute; but who really wants that?

2.) From a liability standpoint if you're an alien, dropping a cow due to tractor beam malfunction, is less likely to get you sued than dropping a rhino or a sperm whale.

3.) Availability. Cows are everywhere. 6 out of 7 continents have some sort of cow creature. You can pretty much set your spaceship on cruise control, hit any old land mass, and find yourself a cow. Even though all cow types are special, it's a widely known fact that E.T.s prefer bovine from the Midwestern United States.

4.) Cows are dumb. Whether they're chewing cud on the ground, or chewing cud on a spaceship - as long as there's cud to chew - they're occupied and content.

5.) In the early 80's the rest of the galaxy discovered the Steve Miller Band, and realizing that there would never ever be "space cowboys" until there were cows in space, aliens were quick to fill this niche gap among the greater intergalactic culture.

Perhaps cows do jump over the moon (via spacecraft that is).

::Tom, nerding out::

Stuff White People Like

Recently, I was tipped off about this fun little blog called Stuff White People Like. It's pretty awesome - and scary if you happen to be of the Caucasian persuasion (i.e. being white), because you'll find yourself saying, "Oh, I really do like/say that type of thing."

There are about 90 items on the list thus far, which includes coffee, film festivals, non-profit organizations, yoga, Mos Def, shorts and more!

Here are a few things they should add to the list:

1 COPS
2 Bumper Stickers
3 Nalgene Bottles
4 Performance Fleece
5 Blogs about white people

Chaos at the snackerie

Yesterday, as I was minding my own business at a local snackerie (it's French, like 'McDonalds'), these two femme fatales seated themselves at my table. Honestly, I feared that I was on the verge of experiencing a well-crafted hoodwinking or purse snatch - though I don't carry a purse, nor do I have enough money to necessitate owning one, and actually should never need one on account of my masculinity, but this is all egregious verbosity.

After I queried the intruding vagrants, much to my chagrin, they assaulted me with scandalous propaganda. What could I do, but avert my eyes and take a fetal yet mobile position? So I made use of the little known martial art of Roly-Poly Chai Tea, where one forms an impenetrable outer shell, but leaves room for his/her appendages to proceed.

(Note: Many over the years have incorrectly observed this maneuver as 'crawling,' but it is not.)

Once I had secured a favorable position and was no longer out-flanked, I turned to my assailants and accosted them with irreverent vernacular. But they were persistent. Burning with patriotism, I felt it was my duty as an American to capture their image via camera phone and render it to the local authorities.

The task proved difficult, but I feel that the evidence will be sufficient to determine their identities. ALERT YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH, AND DO NOT CASH CHECKS FOR THESE WOMEN:

Well, call me George Washington

I too, much like my friend, George Washington, can now be associated with one-fourth of a dollar. The quarter-century year seems like it may yield greater things than the previous, which for a time involved three absolutes that every 24 year-old must face:

1) Having no money
2) Living with your parents
3) Living with your parents' cats

As I look into what lies ahead this year, the three 25th-year absolutes I see are:

1) Having very little money
2) Bewilderment concerning 'the future'
3) Redirecting family conversation about my lack of a significant other. (question - do people have insignificant others?)

However, just as was true in the years before, there will always be an abundance of family and friends to encourage me along the way, whom I'm crazy-thankful for.

Side note: You all really need to check out Trace Bundy. He's my new hero - like this guy.

My culinary portfolio

So, for some reason the photographer and designers at work think I make a pretty good chef. My portfolio is growing. Here are two photos that should naturally make one feel uncomfortable. The first one makes me look like a Muppet and the second, well, is modeled after the movie Ratatouille.

Shot 1:

Shot 2:

Even though these are quite disturbing, I think the second one really brings out my elbows - a feature seldom considered when assessing beauty.

The Most Amazing Art Ever

It seems that I get on a blogging kick for a month or so and then i'll be done for the rest of the year. So here's my New Year's resolution. Blog once a week! Hmmm ... if that happens it'll be a miracle.

Anyway, to start my blogging revival, I give you the "Most Amazing Art Ever."

No One Wants To Play Sega With Harrison Ford

by: Brandon Bird

Your goose is cooked

I was supposed to help with a service project at the Hope Center yesterday, but I was kept away due to some bizarre circumstances. I woke up, got ready, and headed out the door only to find that my windshield had been smashed into a spiderweb. Upon closer inspection I noticed what looked like small feathers and animal feces surrounding the point of impact. So, my first thought was, "Did someone throw a dead bird into my windshield?" The second was, "I must have really ticked someone off to get the dead-bird treatment. This is just like the Godfather movies..." As I was pondering this, a construction worker from across the street approached me and said, "Ya know what happen'? This goose come flyin' outta da air and crash inta yer windshield. I saw it." He pointed in the direction where he last saw the goose, and sure enough, there were two geese about thirty feet from my car - one of them looking disheveled and somewhat insane. Bewildered, I just stood there until the worker added, "You can shoot it if you want to. I'll understand."

I'm pretty sure there wasn't a statistic for flying-goose-caused broken windshields until the one belly-flopped on my car yesterday. Even though this is going to be an expensive repair, it's pretty stinking funny. Check out some photos I took of the aftermath:








Notice the feather.


The culprit(s).

Why little kids rule

As I was leaving Target today, my attention focused on a conversation happening behind me. A mother was having a heart-to-heart with her daughter about the leap from elementary school to middle school, centered around the increase in responsibility. Passing through the automatic doors, I tired to imagine what the pair looked like without sneaking a peek, when my thoughts were interrupted by a young, excited masculine voice.

"It's already dark outside!" said a boy, with as much excitement as if he'd seen a cow jump over the moon.

Inherently funny, the child's exclamation brought an immediate response of laughter. I turned around to see the mother and daughter carrying on as expected, but behind them trailed a little boy with curly blond hair, resisting his mother with one hand while pointing to his wonderful discovery with the other. It struck me that the boy's joy in finding darkness when he expected light was probably just as meaningful as the very serious discussion happening between mother and daughter, yet it went entirely unnoticed.

We encounter a mountain of serious things everyday, but we hardly make an effort to find something amazing in those moments. Unfortunately, the serious stuff will keep on coming. However, there is an universe-worth of overlooked simplicities that are longing to be rediscovered. So, if we choose to see the world like a child (mind you this doesn't mean acting like a child, throwing tantrums and whatnot), every day can be filled with adventure.

New blog in the works

Hey all,

I have a new blog in the works called New Creations that will center around "the Ministry of Reconciliation," which is somewhat of a play on words springing from 2 Corinthians 5:16-21. Keep an eye out for new posts!

Peace.

On having a "real job"

This last Monday I started at Plattform Inc. as a Proofreader. As far as work goes, this place has been more than I could ask for - jeans and t-shirts (except when clients come in), fun atmosphere, cool people, good benefits...It's been a crazy blessing. I work in the QA department (i.e. quality assurance) with about 7 other folks who like to rock the dockets. We proofread all different kinds of media: web, tv, radio and print. Essentially, we are making sure that what the creative people make matches what the client wants/is paying for. For some of you that might seem mundane and boring, but it's not. It's sweet.

Until recently, I've been an employee of Chick-fil-A, where anything is a possible. It was humbling to work "quick service" food while having a degree, but I wouldn't trade the experience for anything. It's amazing how we tend to look down upon those who work in the "quick service" food industry. If something goes wrong with an order, it's obviously because the person behind the counter is dumb, disgruntled or apathetic... However, I came to enjoy this tendency that people have. If I took an extra 10 seconds to ask how someone's day was going, they'd tell me the truth, because, come on, I'm just the Chick-fil-A guy. The ability to have no walls up between people in such a short time, and in such a fast paced environment, was amazing to me. One gentleman told me about his tearing 2 vertebra and then getting an epidural, which at the time hadn't kicked in - and wouldn't for another 40 some hours - he was in excruciating pain. Another gentleman told me about his wife being in the hospital because of lung cancer, and how it was an absolute nightmare. I asked if i could pray for him and his wife, and he said that he'd appreciate that. In less than no time I had entered into a very sensitive place for both of those guys; In the same amount of time they were gone. I hope and pray that the many little interactions I had with people were some sort of blessing, comfort, or encouragement to them.

It'll be difficult to have that kind of freedom in my new office setting, but hopefully I'll be able to take advantage of the opportunities that arise.

The Tecmo Weave

For most males that were born within the years 1980-1989, one sports video game in particular shaped them into the lazy bums that their friends and family know so well today. And that game was, is, and shall be: Tecmo Super Bowl.

This Nintendo original with its in-depth play books, realistic graphics, 90 yard touchdown passes, and 1000 + yard touchdown run s, instilled unattainable sporting aspirations among America's youth more effectively than any overbearing parental figure ever had in the past.

For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, or if you want to stroll back down memory lane, and experience your childhood once again. Take a look at this.

The magic that is Tecmo Super Bowl.

Free Lunch

Now that spring has arrived my blogging aspirations have been resurrected. Hurray.

Today I went with two friends (Jason and Emily) to hand out free lunches downtown. The area we hit up was near the crossroads in KC, and at about 9th and Harrison. We only had 35 lunches to give away and they went in a hurry. The goal of "Free Lunch" is to minister to the community that is often overlooked or ignored. (ie. the poor/homeless and Hispanic community ).

In Matthew chapter 25 Jesus tells the story of the separation of the sheep form the goats. In that account Jesus tells how the king will come and say to the sheep "...For I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave me something to drink; I was a stranger and you invited me in..." Then the sheep say, "when did we do this?"; and Jesus says, "Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers (and sisters) of mine, even the least of them, you did it to me."

So, compelled by Jesus and his gospel, my friend Jason started this ministry that happens every other week. If you'd like to know more about it, check out:

http://www.freelunchproject.blogspot.com/

Home bitter-sweet home

For the past month, I've been living at home with my parents, and for the most part it's been really good. However, the lack of employment and/or direction in life, which most post-grads experience, is wearing me thin. This time has shown me what little patience and faith I have. In the bible, when people read a passage like Acts 28:30, we tend to blow right past it without realizing the depth of the passage, because it just seems like a random fact.

"He lived there two whole years at his own expense, and welcomed all who came to him, proclaiming the kingdom of God and teaching about the Lord Jesus Christ with all boldness and without hindrance."

In this closing passage of Acts, Paul stays in Rome, providing for himself and teaching. It would be too easy to say, "Yup, whatever, on to Romans!" What sticks out now more than ever are the words "two years." He spent two years of his life in a place, according to my bible map, that was more than 2000 miles away from his home - at a time when many people wouldn't leave their city. Rome was it - the center of power, knowledge, arts, etc. (granted, they stole it from everyone else, but it was the place to be). Imagine going to a place like New York City, London, or Paris - living there for two years, supporting yourself, preaching, teaching, and accepting everyone that comes to your door, whether they're wealthy, poor, beautiful, ugly, sick, overbearing, offensive, awkward or whatever...

I have no idea how long I'll need to live at home, or how long it'll be until I have something concrete to focus on...other than my 2-day-a-week internship, which is non-paying; but I'm becoming more and more convicted that I need to preach boldly, like Paul, during this time where I have no hindrances to hold me back from...well, anything.

G.K. Chesterton

Hurray! The majority of my workload is finished for the year - actually, FOREVER ( as far as undergraduate study goes). I've been able to kick back for a few hours and revisit an author who I am growing more and more fond of. In his book Orthodoxy, G.K. Chesterton answers the challenge of a critic who stated, "I will begin to worry about my philosophy when Mr. Chesterton has given us his." Here are some snippets from his chapter "The Eternal Revolution."

Now here comes in the whole collapse and huge blunder of our age. We have mixed up two different things, two opposite things. Progress should mean that we are always changing the world to suit the vision. Progress does mean (just now) that we are always changing the vision...

As long as the vision of heaven is always changing, the vision of earth will be exactly the same. No ideal will remain long enough to be realized, or even partly realized. The modern young man will never change his environment; for he will always change his mind.

Here, I do not believe that Chesterton is speaking about any given individual circumstance but rather touches on what it means for humanity to progress as a whole. I feel that this is an accurate critique of the fickle nature of my generation. We want to cry out and demand "change and peace" like our hippie predisessors, but in reality, we don't have the diligence to see something through to the end. We'd rather wax philosophical and drink Lattes by the gallon, and we do. For the christian, as Chesterton was and I am, this is a good reminder to focus on Christ, and to retreat from a pop-culture, which offers band-aid solutions for wounds that are gaping and mortal.

Shel Silverstein

When you think of Shel Silverstein, you generally reminisce about old favorites like A Light in the Attic or The Giving Tree. However, after doing some very minor research for a group presentation, I discovered that Shel Silverstein more or less secreted art from his pores. He not only wrote children's lit, but also wrote plays, and rubbed elbows with people like David Mamet. In addition to that he composed music. One of his most famous is "A Boy Named Sue," which was performed by Johnny Cash - It won a Grammy. Perhaps the funniest thing About Shel is that he wrote for Playboy. He even lived in the mansion. No wonder he always looks happy in the pictures on his books. You'd think that most parents would faint at the idea of a Playboy author reading their kid a bedtime story...especially one who refered to himslef as "Uncle Shelby."

Sterling A. Brown

Last week I skipped a class that I figured would be of little benefit to my overall academic experience, and for the most part I was correct. However my absence caused me to miss the memo that our 3rd exam, scheduled to happen at our next meeting, was moved back one class period. In place of studying for the exam we were assigned material from Sterling A. Brown. Even though college can be difficult at times, it is usually pretty easy to fake it when you're not prepared, so when I heard that my test was rescheduled, it was like winning the power ball. But as I sat in my desk, smug and feeling content with my procrastination and the favorable odds of luck, I perused the supplemental material and noticed the name John Edgar Tidwell. It was the name of the scholar who had written the background piece on Sterling A. Brown. It was also the name of my professor. Oops. Not a good day to be unprepared.

Props to Machiavelli

Last Friday my Western Civilization class discussed Machiavelli's The Prince. The overall reaction was surprising. Without a doubt Machiavelli gets a bad rap, often being labeled as a tyrant or a man of pure evil. However, Machiavelli's advice centers around what is necessary, and that includes being generous as well as being ruthless. To him, neither characteristic is good or bad in and of itself, and shouldn't be implemented to an excess for practical reasons. The focus on the practical and not the ideal paved the way for the philosophy of Realpolitik, which highlights a "The end justifies the means" mentality.

What I thought was interesting about some of my classmates' responses was the fact that many of them felt that Machiavelli's ideas were refreshing compared to the impractical ideas of Jesus, Augustine, St. Thomas Aquinas, the Qur'an, Seneca, etc. Many students praised the "realness" of the work and liked the fact that Machiavelli didn't shy away from the harsh facts of life. All of this I can at least sympathize with, but their perspective seemed to clash with one of the most popular pastimes of college students in general - criticizing our own government. I asked the question: "How is it that we can applaud Machiavelli's tactics for gaining and holding power, and then turn around and criticize our political leaders -be they Democrat, Republican, Green, or Whatever- when they appeal to the necessity of actions that we as a majority deem wrong, immoral, or tyrannical?" (A hot topic right now would be the use of torture... and the dance that politicians do when asked to define torture) I don't usually take pride in creating awkward atmospheres in university classrooms, but it grew so uncomfortably quite in that room that I must. People looked at each other in silence, curious to see who would be bold enough to offer their opinion. It was all much more dramatic that it should have been, but finally, a few students put their two cents in and my question was completely avoided.