Alternative Calendar

A few months ago I went into a Hallmark store and asked for a 2008 wall calendar. They basically had two: Football ... or ... Kittens. I like most men my own age chose kittens without even blinking an eye. However, as the kittens "hung around" (i slay me) more and more, their disturbing pro-fuzz constitutions began to haunt me. They would meow things like, "Vengence for all lolcats! Give us justice! Down with icanhascheezburger.com! No taxation without repurresentation!"

I was at a loss. What to do when your kitten calendar makes you fear entering your own room? Give in? Forsake all lolcats? Make like a kitten and be weak and annoying? No you've got to show 'em who's top dog. You fight back. You take matters into your own hands.

You do this:



Now the only thing I hear the calendar kittens say is, "Ich liebe Deutschland!"

Just cuz I need a new post

I don't really have anything to type that is of any importance at all, so I'll just be random.

Today I was in a meeting where I doodled cows being sucked up by spaceships rather than pay attention to the conference call. I felt bad at first, but I already had a grasp for what was being discussed, so I drew Sci-Fi scenes.

I'm pretty sure that out of all animals on the planet, aliens steal cows the most.. And here are my reasons why:

1.) It's probably hard to find milk in space. They for sure have some sort of cosmic, chemical substitute; but who really wants that?

2.) From a liability standpoint if you're an alien, dropping a cow due to tractor beam malfunction, is less likely to get you sued than dropping a rhino or a sperm whale.

3.) Availability. Cows are everywhere. 6 out of 7 continents have some sort of cow creature. You can pretty much set your spaceship on cruise control, hit any old land mass, and find yourself a cow. Even though all cow types are special, it's a widely known fact that E.T.s prefer bovine from the Midwestern United States.

4.) Cows are dumb. Whether they're chewing cud on the ground, or chewing cud on a spaceship - as long as there's cud to chew - they're occupied and content.

5.) In the early 80's the rest of the galaxy discovered the Steve Miller Band, and realizing that there would never ever be "space cowboys" until there were cows in space, aliens were quick to fill this niche gap among the greater intergalactic culture.

Perhaps cows do jump over the moon (via spacecraft that is).

::Tom, nerding out::

Stuff White People Like

Recently, I was tipped off about this fun little blog called Stuff White People Like. It's pretty awesome - and scary if you happen to be of the Caucasian persuasion (i.e. being white), because you'll find yourself saying, "Oh, I really do like/say that type of thing."

There are about 90 items on the list thus far, which includes coffee, film festivals, non-profit organizations, yoga, Mos Def, shorts and more!

Here are a few things they should add to the list:

1 COPS
2 Bumper Stickers
3 Nalgene Bottles
4 Performance Fleece
5 Blogs about white people

Chaos at the snackerie

Yesterday, as I was minding my own business at a local snackerie (it's French, like 'McDonalds'), these two femme fatales seated themselves at my table. Honestly, I feared that I was on the verge of experiencing a well-crafted hoodwinking or purse snatch - though I don't carry a purse, nor do I have enough money to necessitate owning one, and actually should never need one on account of my masculinity, but this is all egregious verbosity.

After I queried the intruding vagrants, much to my chagrin, they assaulted me with scandalous propaganda. What could I do, but avert my eyes and take a fetal yet mobile position? So I made use of the little known martial art of Roly-Poly Chai Tea, where one forms an impenetrable outer shell, but leaves room for his/her appendages to proceed.

(Note: Many over the years have incorrectly observed this maneuver as 'crawling,' but it is not.)

Once I had secured a favorable position and was no longer out-flanked, I turned to my assailants and accosted them with irreverent vernacular. But they were persistent. Burning with patriotism, I felt it was my duty as an American to capture their image via camera phone and render it to the local authorities.

The task proved difficult, but I feel that the evidence will be sufficient to determine their identities. ALERT YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH, AND DO NOT CASH CHECKS FOR THESE WOMEN:

Well, call me George Washington

I too, much like my friend, George Washington, can now be associated with one-fourth of a dollar. The quarter-century year seems like it may yield greater things than the previous, which for a time involved three absolutes that every 24 year-old must face:

1) Having no money
2) Living with your parents
3) Living with your parents' cats

As I look into what lies ahead this year, the three 25th-year absolutes I see are:

1) Having very little money
2) Bewilderment concerning 'the future'
3) Redirecting family conversation about my lack of a significant other. (question - do people have insignificant others?)

However, just as was true in the years before, there will always be an abundance of family and friends to encourage me along the way, whom I'm crazy-thankful for.

Side note: You all really need to check out Trace Bundy. He's my new hero - like this guy.

My culinary portfolio

So, for some reason the photographer and designers at work think I make a pretty good chef. My portfolio is growing. Here are two photos that should naturally make one feel uncomfortable. The first one makes me look like a Muppet and the second, well, is modeled after the movie Ratatouille.

Shot 1:

Shot 2:

Even though these are quite disturbing, I think the second one really brings out my elbows - a feature seldom considered when assessing beauty.