Chaos at the snackerie

Yesterday, as I was minding my own business at a local snackerie (it's French, like 'McDonalds'), these two femme fatales seated themselves at my table. Honestly, I feared that I was on the verge of experiencing a well-crafted hoodwinking or purse snatch - though I don't carry a purse, nor do I have enough money to necessitate owning one, and actually should never need one on account of my masculinity, but this is all egregious verbosity.

After I queried the intruding vagrants, much to my chagrin, they assaulted me with scandalous propaganda. What could I do, but avert my eyes and take a fetal yet mobile position? So I made use of the little known martial art of Roly-Poly Chai Tea, where one forms an impenetrable outer shell, but leaves room for his/her appendages to proceed.

(Note: Many over the years have incorrectly observed this maneuver as 'crawling,' but it is not.)

Once I had secured a favorable position and was no longer out-flanked, I turned to my assailants and accosted them with irreverent vernacular. But they were persistent. Burning with patriotism, I felt it was my duty as an American to capture their image via camera phone and render it to the local authorities.

The task proved difficult, but I feel that the evidence will be sufficient to determine their identities. ALERT YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH, AND DO NOT CASH CHECKS FOR THESE WOMEN: